Rovingpatrol's Blog

My Personal Hell

Posted in Uncategorized by roving on December 16, 2009

During my lunch break at work I had purchased a coke, opened it and set it on top of the snack machine while I got some chips to go with my sandwich. After retrieving my chips, I reached up to get my coke and forgot I had opened it. I tilted it and it poured on top of my head.

This got me to thinking about just a few things that I have done that was embarrassing.

Swimming Pool Hell:

I had a baggy pair swim trunks and One day I was going off the high dive jumping into the water feet first so my trucks would poof out. I yelled out a couple times I was a parachute. (I was a teen) After doing this 5 times or so, the lifeguard finally pulled me aside to tell me every time my trunks proofed out, nothing was hidden.

Another day I was doing cannon balls off the low board and my trunks had split wide open in the back. I had no idea until almost an hr later when a friend pointed it out to me.

Swimming under water, I had my eyes closed but knew I was getting close to the edge. I was planning on getting out of the pool. I reached up to the side of the pool but unknown to me a girl was in front of me getting out of the pool. I had grabbed her bikini just as she was halfway out of the pool and I  pulled them all the way down. After that, I learned to swim under water with my eyes open.

After at least 5 yrs or more since I had gone swimming, I decided I would one hot summer day. My new trunks felt nice and tight so I didn’t bother to tie them.   I made a running dive from the side of the pool and as soon as I hit the water, my trunks were around my ankles.

Playing Jokes On People Bigger Then You:

While in the Navy, a friend would always take a swig of my soda so I thought I would be funny and cut a small slit near the top.  I sat down next to him and set my soda down knowing he would take a drink. He picked it up, took his drink and soda ran down his chin. He thought maybe he was just careless and tried  taking another drink. Again soda ran down his chin. He looked at the can, looked at me, and I started running. He caught me on the other end of the ship and convinced me not to do that again.

Never put a one of them bangers in a cigarette and accidentally give it to a bigger man.  Its funny, but in the end, it just isn’t worth it.

Kids:

Taking small kids to the grocery store. I learned the hard way, its best to bribe them to be quiet while waiting in the checkout. They may be innocent but the things they say can make a person cringe. How am I supposed to know why the woman in front of me is so fat? The thought of hot dogs looking like penises never entered my mind.

After finishing our meal at a packed Pizza Hut, I dropped the fork and bent down to pick it up. On my way up, this very cute baby, ( I would say at least 6 months old) grabbed my hair with his hands full of pizza sauce and would not let go. The parents of the child kept telling the kid to let go of the nice mans hair but he wasn’t having none of it.  After what seemed like an eternity, the baby grew tired of humiliating me and let go. I wiped  the pizza sauce out of my hair, accepted the parents apologies and left to pay my bill.

Taking the kids trick or treating. I worked 3rd shift most of the time my kids were small and I always took them out trick or treating. Coming to one house, we knocked and the door opened. My son with his keen eyes saw some toys way in the back of the house and took off on me into this strangers house, got down on the floor and started paying with some kids toys. It took 5 minutes to talk him into putting the toys down and come back to me.

Pulling in the bank drive through for some money, my son was dozing. He suddenly woke up thinking we were at McDonalds and started yelling he wanted a happy meal. The whole bank could hear him through the intercom.

KFC:

I had a craving for a BBQ sandwich at KFC and to save time I used the drive through. I was told to pull ahead while they prepared my order. This is good. It means it will be fresh. I’m not sure how long I waited but finally I got out of my car to go inside to see what the hell was taking so long. I come face to face with the “Sorry, we’re closed” sign.  I pounded on the door until one of them came to me. I told him my situation and they started yelling at each other trying to figure who was to blame. In the end, they gave me my BBQ plus another for free.

Wisconsin Hell:

I have always said WI is full of people who became lost and gave up trying to get out of the state so decided the hell with it, We’ll just live here.

When on a county road in WI the signs don’t tell you what direction your going. They are marked with letters only. You may be on county road KK. It would be a great help if, oh I don’t know, maybe have the sign say, S. KK?

I went to meet a friend In WI. It was daylight and took me 90 minutes to get where I needed to be. On the way home, There was a town I didn’t want to go through because it was a little confusing the way the streets were laid out and decided I would just go around it.  Sounded pretty simple to me. An hour and a half later I was right back where I started. I decided I would go through this stupid town. It took me 4hrs to get home.

If your bored or maybe you bought a new car you want to break in. Gas up for  a drive to WI and good luck.  Maybe you too will become a cheese head.

A Joke Gone To far:

I had just separated from my wife and sleeping in my mothers basement until I was able to save enough for my own place.

I don’t remember the reason for the 6 helium balloons but thought I would play a quick joke on my mother.

I tied the balloons stings around the door handle but kept the balloons on the other side of the door so when she opened the door, the balloons would come at her.

I heard her pull up. I heard her open the door. She didn’t turn on the light. I then her her yelling. I was trying not to laugh until I heard her struggling.  She must of gotten tangled up in the balloons and I heard her almost begging and she was saying  “Please don’t hurt me.”  I felt sick. I was just about to go up there and let her know it was nothing when suddenly I heard her say, ” Damn you Barry.”   She said she didn’t know what it was. She kept pushing something away away and it kept coming back at her. She thought she was being attacked by a person. I never played another joke on her.

Dating:

Met a woman and we decided to go out to eat. We ordered our meal and was brought our drinks. I was being my suave self when I took a sip of my drink through the straw only to have the straw stuck to my lip when I looked up. Okay. I guess you had to be there.

I have been on a few dates during my life. Before the internet I used the singles classifieds. I made a ad, left a recorded message and like magic, women called.

It never worked out. Blind dates really suck. I had a hard time finding one that I could connect with. If they connected with me, then I had to con my way out of not wanting to see them again. I don’t like it and will never do blind dates again.

I made a 45 min. drive to meet a woman in a town I never been in. I parked my car, locked the doors and got into her car. She gave me the complete tour. We had a nice dinner but I knew it wasn’t going to work. I think she felt the same way. She took me to my car. I reached into my pocket for my keys but they weren’t  in there.  I look in the car and see they are nice and safe in the ignition.  The police in that town will not unlock car doors. One hour later and $30 lighter, I was on my way. My date was nice enough to wait with me though.

One woman I did connect with and I thought she connected with me. We met in a park to talk. We talked and talked. I thought finally. This is it.  She gives me her number and told me to call her. The next day, I call her.  It went something like this…

Her: Hello?

Me: Hi

Her: Why are you calling me?

Me: You told me to.

Her: I didn’t MEAN for you to call. I thought you knew it wasn’t going to work out.

Me: What?

Her: ‘click’

Me: Hello?

Me: What the hell?

How Wisconsin Became Populated

Posted in Uncategorized by roving on February 21, 2009

I live on the Illinois Wisconsin border. Back when gas was cheap and if I was really bored, I would sometimes get in my car and take a drive. I like going there to cut the cheese sometimes.

My advice, never go to Wisconsin at night or make sure you are out of the state before dark. I once went to meet someone deep into Wisconsin. It took me 1/12hr to get to my destination. I took me almost 4hrs to get back to Illinois.  When I hit the Illinois border it took all I had not to stop the car and kiss the ground.

All I did was try and avoid going through one town and wanted to go around it. 2hrs later I ended up in the exact same place where I started.

I have been in many many states and Wisconsin was the only state that I ever had a problem navigating in. The reason you ask? Well, its the road signs. Wisconsin has some strange signs. They are letters. its not so bad in the daylight and as long as the sun is out. You can use it to get out of there but at night, forget it.

Some may think I was lost. That isn’t so. Men don’t get lost. Sometimes we like to take the scenic route. We do it on purpose.   Wisconsin is full of  people who couldn’t find their way out and just gave up. Abduction. That’s what Wisconsin does to inhabit the state.

They put out these road signs on purpose making it almost impossible to get out.  People ended up saying the hell with it. We’ll just live here. Some signs only have letters only like KK. No North/ South KK. Just KK.

You have been warned.

Aftermath Of Obama Supporters

Posted in politics by roving on January 23, 2009

What to do, what to do. Oh, I know. Go into anti-Obama blogs and keep posting the same  questions over and over and always make sure to bring up, “Fact Check says Obama’s birth certificate is real, our man won, get over it”  Or my favorite, “His birth announcement was in the paper”

Being Single

Posted in Uncategorized by roving on January 2, 2009

Being single with no one around gives a person time to think. Probably because there are large amounts of boredom thrown in with it.

As I was getting ready to slave in the kitchen one day to make my supper, I was right in the middle of opening up my TV dinner and  came across an idea.  A TV dinner restaurant.

The people come into my place, I give them a list of TV dinners I have, they pick one, I heat it up. It could be geared towards  the single people.  It could also cater to the married folks who wish to revive the days of single-hood again.

Instead of tables, chairs and booths, the restaurant  would have couches and coffee tables to eat at. Along with a TV.  To make it more like home there would be magazines spread around the coffee table along with 2 or 3 remote controls. the  3rd remote is hidden and you have to find it.

When it comes to housework, the “mood” has to hit me or I wont do as good of a job.  A couple days ago the mood did hit but by the time I was finished with the living room and dining room the mood was wearing off. I wasn’t able to get the kitchen. Now I am conducting a experiment with the kitchen. All my life I have been told things wont get done if you just let it sit. Well I’m  testing that theory.  So far it isn’t looking to good. Maybe I’ll give it one more day.

I’m no carpenter but being single means who cares?  I wanted to make a wooden screen door but when finished I forgot to allow room to actually open and shut it so now I have a very large screen window I’m willing to sell.

I have two cats. When they aren’t  trying to kill me by jumping out in front me hoping I trip, they can be pretty humorous to watch.  I find myself actually talking to them sometimes like a real person who can understand what I’m saying.  There has been times when the cats are sleeping and I find myself walking quietly so as not to disturb them when it hits me. What the hell am I doing? their cats!  So then I purposely stomp as I walk to show them I’m in charge. I know they do love me though because of the small dead animals they leave me. Unless its actually a warning and they are showing me who really is in charge. Maybe I should watch my back.

When a single guy buys a house his mother likes to help her son out. I now have flowery curtains and some fake plants. I don’t mind though. It made my mother happy thinking she was making me happy. Its just one more thing to explain if a man comes to my house and glances at my curtains.

Being single has its ups and downs.  Sometimes its bothersome coming home from work and the only one to greet you is a couple cats and the main thing on their mind is food and a clean litter box.  Other times its nice to be on your own.

Maybe someday I can write what its like to be married.

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The Great Experiment

Posted in Uncategorized by roving on November 26, 2008

This past summer I killed a mosquito. i was able to kill it so it wasn’t smashed. It was still intact and looked as though it was sleeping.  I left it in the corner on the counter and had been careful not to disturb it. A month later the mosquito looked just the same as the day I killed it.

so lets recap:

A bag of carrots left forgotten in the the crisper turns to juice within one year.

A onion left in the cupboard to long disappears and leaves a black spot. Time: unknown. I don’t even remember buying it.

Trying a thread around a flys head is very delicate work but doable and it can still fly around.

Cutting a slit near the top of a soda can to get even with a moocher doesn’t seem as funny to them but makes the moocher angry and may cause bodily harm to you.

Forgetting to tie your swimming trunks before diving in a pool is very embarrassing.

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