Rovingpatrol's Blog

My Personal Hell

Posted in Uncategorized by roving on December 16, 2009

During my lunch break at work I had purchased a coke, opened it and set it on top of the snack machine while I got some chips to go with my sandwich. After retrieving my chips, I reached up to get my coke and forgot I had opened it. I tilted it and it poured on top of my head.

This got me to thinking about just a few things that I have done that was embarrassing.

Swimming Pool Hell:

I had a baggy pair swim trunks and One day I was going off the high dive jumping into the water feet first so my trucks would poof out. I yelled out a couple times I was a parachute. (I was a teen) After doing this 5 times or so, the lifeguard finally pulled me aside to tell me every time my trunks proofed out, nothing was hidden.

Another day I was doing cannon balls off the low board and my trunks had split wide open in the back. I had no idea until almost an hr later when a friend pointed it out to me.

Swimming under water, I had my eyes closed but knew I was getting close to the edge. I was planning on getting out of the pool. I reached up to the side of the pool but unknown to me a girl was in front of me getting out of the pool. I had grabbed her bikini just as she was halfway out of the pool and I  pulled them all the way down. After that, I learned to swim under water with my eyes open.

After at least 5 yrs or more since I had gone swimming, I decided I would one hot summer day. My new trunks felt nice and tight so I didn’t bother to tie them.   I made a running dive from the side of the pool and as soon as I hit the water, my trunks were around my ankles.

Playing Jokes On People Bigger Then You:

While in the Navy, a friend would always take a swig of my soda so I thought I would be funny and cut a small slit near the top.  I sat down next to him and set my soda down knowing he would take a drink. He picked it up, took his drink and soda ran down his chin. He thought maybe he was just careless and tried  taking another drink. Again soda ran down his chin. He looked at the can, looked at me, and I started running. He caught me on the other end of the ship and convinced me not to do that again.

Never put a one of them bangers in a cigarette and accidentally give it to a bigger man.  Its funny, but in the end, it just isn’t worth it.

Kids:

Taking small kids to the grocery store. I learned the hard way, its best to bribe them to be quiet while waiting in the checkout. They may be innocent but the things they say can make a person cringe. How am I supposed to know why the woman in front of me is so fat? The thought of hot dogs looking like penises never entered my mind.

After finishing our meal at a packed Pizza Hut, I dropped the fork and bent down to pick it up. On my way up, this very cute baby, ( I would say at least 6 months old) grabbed my hair with his hands full of pizza sauce and would not let go. The parents of the child kept telling the kid to let go of the nice mans hair but he wasn’t having none of it.  After what seemed like an eternity, the baby grew tired of humiliating me and let go. I wiped  the pizza sauce out of my hair, accepted the parents apologies and left to pay my bill.

Taking the kids trick or treating. I worked 3rd shift most of the time my kids were small and I always took them out trick or treating. Coming to one house, we knocked and the door opened. My son with his keen eyes saw some toys way in the back of the house and took off on me into this strangers house, got down on the floor and started paying with some kids toys. It took 5 minutes to talk him into putting the toys down and come back to me.

Pulling in the bank drive through for some money, my son was dozing. He suddenly woke up thinking we were at McDonalds and started yelling he wanted a happy meal. The whole bank could hear him through the intercom.

KFC:

I had a craving for a BBQ sandwich at KFC and to save time I used the drive through. I was told to pull ahead while they prepared my order. This is good. It means it will be fresh. I’m not sure how long I waited but finally I got out of my car to go inside to see what the hell was taking so long. I come face to face with the “Sorry, we’re closed” sign.  I pounded on the door until one of them came to me. I told him my situation and they started yelling at each other trying to figure who was to blame. In the end, they gave me my BBQ plus another for free.

Wisconsin Hell:

I have always said WI is full of people who became lost and gave up trying to get out of the state so decided the hell with it, We’ll just live here.

When on a county road in WI the signs don’t tell you what direction your going. They are marked with letters only. You may be on county road KK. It would be a great help if, oh I don’t know, maybe have the sign say, S. KK?

I went to meet a friend In WI. It was daylight and took me 90 minutes to get where I needed to be. On the way home, There was a town I didn’t want to go through because it was a little confusing the way the streets were laid out and decided I would just go around it.  Sounded pretty simple to me. An hour and a half later I was right back where I started. I decided I would go through this stupid town. It took me 4hrs to get home.

If your bored or maybe you bought a new car you want to break in. Gas up for  a drive to WI and good luck.  Maybe you too will become a cheese head.

A Joke Gone To far:

I had just separated from my wife and sleeping in my mothers basement until I was able to save enough for my own place.

I don’t remember the reason for the 6 helium balloons but thought I would play a quick joke on my mother.

I tied the balloons stings around the door handle but kept the balloons on the other side of the door so when she opened the door, the balloons would come at her.

I heard her pull up. I heard her open the door. She didn’t turn on the light. I then her her yelling. I was trying not to laugh until I heard her struggling.  She must of gotten tangled up in the balloons and I heard her almost begging and she was saying  “Please don’t hurt me.”  I felt sick. I was just about to go up there and let her know it was nothing when suddenly I heard her say, ” Damn you Barry.”   She said she didn’t know what it was. She kept pushing something away away and it kept coming back at her. She thought she was being attacked by a person. I never played another joke on her.

Dating:

Met a woman and we decided to go out to eat. We ordered our meal and was brought our drinks. I was being my suave self when I took a sip of my drink through the straw only to have the straw stuck to my lip when I looked up. Okay. I guess you had to be there.

I have been on a few dates during my life. Before the internet I used the singles classifieds. I made a ad, left a recorded message and like magic, women called.

It never worked out. Blind dates really suck. I had a hard time finding one that I could connect with. If they connected with me, then I had to con my way out of not wanting to see them again. I don’t like it and will never do blind dates again.

I made a 45 min. drive to meet a woman in a town I never been in. I parked my car, locked the doors and got into her car. She gave me the complete tour. We had a nice dinner but I knew it wasn’t going to work. I think she felt the same way. She took me to my car. I reached into my pocket for my keys but they weren’t  in there.  I look in the car and see they are nice and safe in the ignition.  The police in that town will not unlock car doors. One hour later and $30 lighter, I was on my way. My date was nice enough to wait with me though.

One woman I did connect with and I thought she connected with me. We met in a park to talk. We talked and talked. I thought finally. This is it.  She gives me her number and told me to call her. The next day, I call her.  It went something like this…

Her: Hello?

Me: Hi

Her: Why are you calling me?

Me: You told me to.

Her: I didn’t MEAN for you to call. I thought you knew it wasn’t going to work out.

Me: What?

Her: ‘click’

Me: Hello?

Me: What the hell?

One Response

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  1. sherrywong said, on December 16, 2009 at 4:12 am

    love your stories! especially the last one! hahahha


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